love & bourbon.

last nite was hot toddy time at damons. it was really a good evening. as per usual we got deep about love and stuff, listened and told stories. sometimes confronting yourself with thoughts about love and life can hurt. i feel like those conversations can be very cathartic. sometimes when people share the same frustrations as you it can help you put your self into perspective. i guess it is what you make it. even though i can feel really miserable about being loved and having family and all of that, in the end i know i will be okay. i need to stop being such a baby. you have to exercise patience of the heart and soul to really feel love as you want it. one day I hope to be completely forgiving of myself, truly and fully. jesus.

ANYWAY! I learned a few new phrases in french, and fell in love with jacques brel. this man is it for real. i can't embed the video, cuz youtube people are busters. you can watch it here. he is so amazing. his expression. the emotion in his face. gaaaah! it drives me crazy! nina simone's version is equally as impressive because it's nina simone and she owns the world. you can listen to it down thar. and in true youtube fashion, there is no amazing video footage. oh nina, why do i love you so? whhhhhyyyyyy????!!! hallellujah for nina simone.

joyous moments.

horay. finally i'm caught up. today i'm picking up my first roll of 110 film. it's been like ten billion years since I used my little teeny camera, so hopefully it looks fresh. here are some delightful photos from my horrible trip to chicago, wherein i found myself waking up in the union station totally hungover at 5:30 in the morning. thanks, mom. you're a peach.

some other photos are from our majestic trip to winchester bay with the dudes in may.

many other randoms in portland at the happy feet at the fix, the bluffs, biking around, etc.

there are more photos in the most recent eight albums in my picasa account.

this weekend is going to be very busy and hopefully very productive. working on organizing photos, nice hikes in the mist, dubstep and ! a lovely art show at the village ballroom featuring the homies gabe gregg and ian boe. holla!
















it's one of these days. thanks, freezo.

ultra-violet.

sometimes it's hard to imagine being affected by something completely intangible. something that you want to become wrapped up in but have no idea what it looks like or how strong it can hold you. it can choke you up. something that you want to feel because you've never felt it. it's a curiosity almost. i spend so long looking for this, but I don't even know where to look or what to look for. i'll spend my whole life looking, who knows if i'll find it. just let it find me I guess. jesus. sometimes I feel like there are cobwebs in my heart.

fuck.

anyway. I've been reading A Heartbreaking Work of a Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers. this book is amazing. I started reading on sunday, basically. saturday I was feel a little out of place so I didn't read anything. but on sunday and yesterday I couldn't put the damn thing down. I'm literally obsessed with J.D. Salinger. he could write straight from the heart and relate to any jerk that picked up his books. especially (obviously) Catcher in the Rye. Eggers like is the reincarnation. fucking astounding. I'm bummed because I forgot to renew the dang thing at the library and now I have to return and I'm only on page 231. fuck. oh well. I'll finish it up at powells or something.

de la soul was amazing btw.

making things easier.

I just finished kafka on the shore. honestly, I can't give this book enough words to describe how it has changed me and made me feel. sometimes certain ideas and things create a motion inside of you. in your heart and mind. idea, books, people, whatever. this was definitely one of them. it changes the way you see light. the way you see your spirit and how you love. the way you love yourself and the decisions in your life. a work of fiction that doubles as something much deeper than that because it doesn't feel like fiction. I want to read it again and again. I think my dreams have become a lot less indescribable and more definitive toward my way of thinking. recently, my dreams have been such a mess. objective. subjective. undefinable. now I feel better. more peaceful. anyway. enough of that. I really do love that book. oh yes.

two paws up. fo sho.

nice.

I spent this weekend up in the woods somewhere near newport. it was super pretty. we celebrated and got super drunk basically for two whole days. good times. swam in a little pond at some ungodly hour and then polluting the hot tub with our dirty paws. weee!! kel and gabe got married and the fiasco continued until the wee hours. I went swimming for like half a minute, the next thing I know I'm waking up to the smell of wine tequila in the room. oops.

oh and I totally caught a teeny black bat that was hanging tough near the rafters in the house. he was so cute! ian proclaimed he resembled a fuzzy meatball, I concur. his little ass face was adorable! little tiny teeth complete with tiny little mouth. oh man. he was keeeeyooot. anyway. good times were had by all.

I am still recovering and have bruises all over. horay.

btw.

please see my new eyebrow cat friend. why can't ALL animals come with fuzzy eyebrows?

favorites update.

okay. so my list of favorites still stands as

1. Dinosaurs.
2. Popsicles.
3. Outerspace.

expanding to more:

5. pizza.
6. booze.
7. park hanging.
8. sasquatch.

I wish the summer wasn't over so soon. it's a sad, sad thing. it really is.

are you kidding me?

seriously? this must be some kind of joke, because time for real is not moving forward. it is, in fact, moving backward.

the only thing I have of interest to report is that I am going to embark on a mission to create delicious, delightful honey wine! aka, mead. it's simply just fermented honey in water. maybe some spices. I'm hoping I can pull it off! i need some supplies like a bucket and a thing of honey, but i think that's the easy part. booze times!

and if this booze times does occur, I want to have a flask of this honeyed wine whilst cruising on our pocket bikes. know what I mean, son? yea.

dudes.

yesterday was weird. I talked to someone about my mom's bullshit that she put on me. it felt alright to unload to an unknowing party. I need to feel less irritation towards my environment. after all, no one acts like that around me. I need to lay off.

I cooked and snuggled fatty against his will and was soon bored. I walked over to yurs and hung out. I was still bored. I feel so boooooored all of a sudden. I know why. but whatever. I'm trying to be in a better mood today. I just feel haunted with thoughts lately.

I need a hug.

really though.

hey, so this is how it is. I am stuck in this situation. still unknowing, even though I know what I want. I can't tell what is supposed to happen or what I'm supposed to do. am I to blindly feel my way through this? I have to overcome the idea that I have to work at this. to communicate. Im so lost. so confused. I feel like I should know. I've grown accustomed to not overanalyzing things to the point of irritation and further confusion. when I just let things happen I feel just as confused.

last nite I felt so alone. I've been listening to the same records on repeat. that's just how I feel. stuck in the same groove as the day before, but the time is different the air is different. the sense of belonging doesn't change though. I just want someone to connect to me the way I see connections in others.

disconnection hurts more than any thing I can think of.

the weight of love is something I crave so desperately I feel like I'm floating. I want to be closer to the earth through love. weighted down by thoughts of love, infinite.

whatever.

I'm so tired today. I won't even tell you about what happened last nite because it's not worth it. I think it may have been worth it had it not been for what has become a pattern. a pattern that is completely laughable. I don't even know what to say.

it's raining this morning and it feels really good. I rode in this morning hoping to get out a funk I've been in and it didn't really do anything for me. I feel less thank thrilled at the thought of being out this week. I just want to sleep and think. I wish I could close my eyes sometimes and drift into the next week.

mountain sitting.

we got to hang out at the top of mount hood forest this weekend. it was so amazing! it was on this gentle sloping hill that had soft ground cover all around us. kind of like sand. our spot overlooked the entire valley basically and at night we could hear the wind whipping through tree tops. it was all very magestic and beautiful. all of us had some pretty epic dreams through the weekend. the first nite they were all bad. the next nite most of slept a little better. erin had a dream that julia made a pinata which got stolen. when it was smashed open by ben there were condoms and wads of cash in it. ben got 28 clams. erin got the same.

we forgot to howl at the moon! lame.

the most lovely thing about the weekend were our in depth conversations about farts. I think we really have something there. we plan to make t-shirts and sell them on the side of the road. the one for napa, which I think Karen came up with, is 'I crop dusted Napa Valley' and have some kind of funny graphic to accompany the text. so epic, wouldn't you agree?

bruce was being really bossy this weekend. but it was cute so we gave him hot dogs and let him chase the flies.

also, we're going to start a blog on French toast, which will also moonlight occassionally as a fart information blog. just in case. for our French toast blog, we'll all be contributing our reviews in and around the Northwestern region of America. I think it's going to blow up. real talk.

aaand we're back.

I don't know about y'all but I am ready for a break! I haven't been doing much, I guess, but I need to get out of here. there's stuff going on this weekend that I didn't really want to miss, but whatever. tonite there's rockbox, the standard party jams that we all love. the boys aren't able to do it next month because of musicfest, so Ill have to be without until october. a travesty. tomorrow evening is The Last Splash, fashion show, over at the swimming pool on portland blvd. kind of bummed I'm not going to be able to do that since Dan is spinning. oh wells. then sunday I think there will partytimes for birthdays. lots of things.

most importantly, and back to my original point, is that I'm going to be out of town. in the muthafucking woods! holla. we're heading to trillium lake tonite with a bottle of tequila, some bread and pb & j. maybe some beef jerky. I don't give a shit. so long as we get to traipse around in the trees and what not.

I splurged today. I know I shouldn't have, but I had to! before I would have spent my pennies on shitty clothes from forever 21. no more. I now think that I understand what it means to have those few extra bucks. now I can splurge on ocassion without feeling too bad about it. I went to 360 Vinyl with the intention of getting Sa-Ra's new album Nuclear Evolution: The Age of Love. It's so good!!!!! jeez. I wanted it so bad. I also really wanted rae and milton's 7" for M64. no dice what a bummer. for real. I ended up getting this promo album kezzy had by j. rocc called Syndromes 2. super funky, very jazzy. it's super duper fresh. then I also got illa j's Yancey Boys. I have been advised though to not 'really' listen to the lyrics. it might result in a hand to the face. you know, when you're shaking your head wonder 'why oh why!?'. anyway, i'm into it. spending so much time at home has brought me to over listening to my music! not that i'm sick of it, but I need something new. I can't wait to be not broke so I can spend all my grocery money on records.

I need to start making a list for this weekend. holla.

today

I want to be in the river. drowning worries and replenishing spirit. i'm going to ride my bike somewhere far to hang out with old friends. don't know where yet, but there will be food and fancy drinks involved. how nice.

it's supposed to be hot today. I'm savoring every last minute of the heat. even though I think wearing a turtle neck is fun sometimes and I do enjoy wearing sleeves that go far below my wrists. I cherish every single moment of warmth. it helps me feel less alone. I can leave at night and not be cold-I can surround myself in the energy of the world and people around me, even though I always return to solitude.

seeing peoples eyes makes me happy. it gives me more purpose into thriving each day. even if I can't have their gaze for more than a moment it makes me feel nice. longing for that embrace.

I feel stupid.

sometimes I do things that I'd rather not. I'd rather not do them because I know what the outcome is going to be. usually it makes my stomach light as air at the thought, losing myself. losing it, I guess. I'm not pessimistic, just realistic. I do something knowing how my actions will be reciprocated and it just falls flat! so dumb. even though these things make me feel like a class act moron, I know it's just kind of conditioning my spirit or something. no one else thinks I'm an idiot because they are scenarios which aren't relatable to the public or my friends. thank christ.

this morning I was in a good mood despite my downfalls yesterday. I walked by the hoyt house. it smelled brisk. of fresh roasted coffee and broken green leaves on the ground. fresh and welcoming was the morning. the scents dancing in the air were playful and reminiscent. sitting on the porch with asami switching his tail. watching people go by. squirrels in the trees. life would mill about. I. complacent. even though it conjured up some happy memories, it also reminds me of how stagnant my life was. I miss so much and kept so little. sometimes I don't know if I made the right decision. then sometimes I remember where I am. I will never know.

today I'm going to stay home. maybe go to the roof. I want to feel the wind whip my hair about my face. I want to feel free from these thoughts of today and days lost.

tra la la!

rolled to the fix last nite to see some folks and ran into my favorite cutie pies sean and justin. we chilled and drank dranks.

anyway, I got really drunk. bad bad bad. I shouldn't have had a drop at the fix. blah. I almost fell asleep on the bathroom floor, but kitty was like 'dude, you probably don't want to sleep next to my cat box. just sayin!' so I took my ass to bed and woke up with kitty sitting on my chest purring with that little motor. it was so funny! anyway, I was two hours late to work this morning due to the fact that I passed out cold whilst texting justin about ice cream. travesty. mostly cuz if I wasn't drunk last nite I could have been eating ice cream until the wee hours of the morning. bummer.

spaghetti cat throw down!!!