I feel stupid.

sometimes I do things that I'd rather not. I'd rather not do them because I know what the outcome is going to be. usually it makes my stomach light as air at the thought, losing myself. losing it, I guess. I'm not pessimistic, just realistic. I do something knowing how my actions will be reciprocated and it just falls flat! so dumb. even though these things make me feel like a class act moron, I know it's just kind of conditioning my spirit or something. no one else thinks I'm an idiot because they are scenarios which aren't relatable to the public or my friends. thank christ.

this morning I was in a good mood despite my downfalls yesterday. I walked by the hoyt house. it smelled brisk. of fresh roasted coffee and broken green leaves on the ground. fresh and welcoming was the morning. the scents dancing in the air were playful and reminiscent. sitting on the porch with asami switching his tail. watching people go by. squirrels in the trees. life would mill about. I. complacent. even though it conjured up some happy memories, it also reminds me of how stagnant my life was. I miss so much and kept so little. sometimes I don't know if I made the right decision. then sometimes I remember where I am. I will never know.

today I'm going to stay home. maybe go to the roof. I want to feel the wind whip my hair about my face. I want to feel free from these thoughts of today and days lost.